Sex Detox Homework: Self-Awareness

Assignment: Write a totally honest dating profile of yourself, not one meant to attract others based on qualities you think are desireable, but based offa who you really are and what you really want. then draft a profile from the perspect ive of the last person you regularly dated. o_0 (ummm I'll just ask him)

TOTALLY HONEST DATING PROFILE:

I hate doing dishes and the taste of tap water. I love to learn but I hate being told what to do. The truth is, the next 5-7 years will be spent playing catching and making up for all the mistakes I made earlier in life. My life goal is still the same as it was when I was 5 years old. How many people can still say that?? I want to be a mommy. The rest of life is just pointless details to me. I’d prefer someone else take care of those details. Meanwhile...I do. I resent that about life sometimes. Sometimes I appreciate it. I meet people that way. I live for the moment but planning for the future gives me life. My plans hardly ever work out as I anticipated. Some of that is my fault. I make the wrong plans. I have good taste in men. All of my recent ex’s are awesome. Please don’t be threatened by this. I ended those relationships. We just weren’t awesome together. I’m picky about the things I’m picky about. Other than this, I’m pretty easy to please.

I appreciate poetry. I write poetry. I think I suck but I’m pretty good at it. At any point in the day, I know the words to at least one song that’s playing on the radio. I love live music. R&B music gives me life. It’s why I believe in love. I loathe the thought of anal sex. But, I’m game for pretty much anything else with the person I love. When I’m mad, I can be a huge jerk. Just apologize sincerely and no one will get hurt. I’m also very affectionate. I like to be touched. When I get my fill of this, I become cat-like and go do my own thing. Let this happen. I’m impatient. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I spend too much time on my Blackberry and my laptop. I don’t like to be alone. I appreciate and expect compliments. Blame my humility. I love to do new things.

My favorite part of a man is his masculine spirit. I make a lot of observations out loud. Do not mistake this as complaining. It’s an invite to conversation. I have a low tolerance for drama and I’m a peacekeeper by nature but I WILL defend myself and I don’t fight fair. My mood is pretty chill most times. It’s because I’m always thinking. I have a very vivid imagination. Don’t ask me to go see scary movies with you. The answer is no. I’m indecisive about most things…except that. Most of the time, it’s because I either care that much about the options or I don’t really care at all. I procrastinate. It’s my biggest problem. I forget a lot of things also. My brain, while awesome, is defective. Welcome to my world. Please buckle your seat belt. I text while driving.

VERDICT: Him- "Too F****n honest. Very overwhelming." Me- "Perfect"

Assignment #2: Describe your Perfect date:

My date will arrive dressed comfortably but looks like flyness personified. He smells of smooth masculinity. He greets me with a sincere hug and opens the door for me. He will have a gift. It will be a small trinket. He took the time out to learn that I’m not a fan of flowers. He didn’t tell me where we were going. He knows I don’t like surprises. He says, “Just trust me.” His confidence is comforting. He turns on his music. Coltrane. Impressive. We engage in small talk. It’s pleasant and engaging.

We arrive at a restaurant. There’s live music, low lights, and interesting artwork on the walls. There’s an ambiance of acceptance here. The menu has great offerings and I can’t decide what I want. He makes a perfect suggestion. The service is impeccable. The conversation is flowing. We talk about deep things on a superficial level and life’s cliff notes. There a lot to be discovered.

The food arrives and after one bite I decide I’ll eat here again someday. As we are finishing, he suggests I try desert and excuses himself. He daps up a band member and somehow has incorporated himself into the set. His performance is flawless. I like surprises. We eat dessert. Conversation continues. We’re one of the last people to leave.

He asks if I’m in the mood for a walk. Walking turns to window shopping. We pick out things we can’t afford and even if we could we probably wouldn’t buy them. We describe the people that do. He’s funny and insightful. I think I like him. The car ride home is a continuation of earlier conversation touching on deeper subjects. Our goals are similar. Comforting thought. He walks me to the door and ends the night with a hug and kiss on the cheek. He lets me know that he has arrived home safely. He notes that he really enjoyed my company and is looking forward to hanging out again. He offers to cook for me. I think I like him.

There were questions that accompanied this. I may include those in the comments section. If anyone is interested.

These are my confessions...

Honesty. They say it’s the best policy. Policy sounds too much like rule and I’ve always been a fan of breaking those. But, I refuse to lie to you. That's not why we're here.  My confession is: I’ve followed every one of my rules perfectly.

Yup! Perfect diet, physical regimen, meditation, church, positivity…

Still Dont Believe me?

Ok. Ok. Fine. I’ve fallen short in a lot of areas. Exercise, Meditation, Yoga, Reading. They haven’t been made a priority. In retrospect, Meditation is probably the most important aspect of this journey. A change made in the mental/spiritual aspect will no doubt affect the physical aspect of a person.

Before I attempt to begin, I keep telling myself that my space has to be organized, I have to eat so I don’t get hungry, I have to do XYZ so I don’t forget to do it later. I may be subconsciously avoiding it. I wonder why. Perhaps it stems from my unsuccessful first attempt? Maybe it’s my aversion to “stillness.” Whatever the reason, it’s insufficient.

Exercise? Let me just be honest. I get no joy out of this. There’s no sense of accomplishment. It’s not fun. I just don’t like to get hot and sweaty (Tabula Rasa approved thoughts only!!!). Exercise is like washing dishes and I only know one person that enjoys that. Coincidently, He also enjoys exercise (foolish mortal, lol).

I think I crammed so much reading in the weeks prior two and the first week of Tabula Rasa that I burned my brain out. I was reading a total of 6 books at one time. It was truly a case of TMI. I took a week off. Back to reading this week!

Aiight which one of these WHOREmones are
responsible for my frisky vagina?!?

Confession: I had some “personal time” recently. *sigh* I was doing GREAT!!! I hate my stupid hormones! Right before my monthly cycle, my hormones put on their flyest attire and throw a party inside of my vagina. Guess who the main invited guest is… I give you a hint. He’s NOT Tabula Rasa approved. In the last year, I’ve only had had sex right before/after my period. I think if it wasn’t for my hormones, I probably wouldn’t even have sex. I guess that’s why we DO have them.

Ok. Enough with the negativity. Tabula Rasa is a journey of self-discovery. Mistakes will be made. I didn’t go into this expecting to be some perfect super-human for a month. That would be too much like right anyway. Onto to the good stuff!!

Although, I fell of in many places. I would like to point out that I have successfully changed my diet for the better and I am learning how to really cook. I snack on fruits and veggies. I drink water! Let me say that again. I. DRINK. WATER. This is really significant. I’ve never been a water drinker. I order it at restaurants. I drink it at home. I carry it with me. This tabula rasa thing just MIGHT be working.

I spoil myself when I cook. I eat 3 meals a day. I mean GOOD whole meals with sides and stuff. SEE!!

Let’s return back to the subject matter of my period. Fun stuff, right? I have a condition called endometriosis. READ ABOUT ENDOMETRIOSIS HERE. This causes majorly severe cramps each month. I mean pain to the point of tears in the fetal position until I OD on pain killers and they decide to kick in. Normally they only last a day and a half and then the pain is only moderate. They start right before and they go in HARD. This cycle, they didn’t start until the second day. I decided not to take pain killers. I wanted to see what would happen with the diet change (and I wanted to avoid the chemicals). Amazingly, I was able to get through the pain with deep breathing. Don’t get me wrong, I was still in considerable pain but it was MANAGEABLE.

I was hoping the diet would affect my hormones and emotions associated with menstruation. No such luck. I was useless for 2 straight days. I also have a personal and familial history of Depression. I am hoping that this diet change will balance my chemicals enough to where this is no longer an issue. I haven’t had any noticeable affects of depression in the last few months. For this I am very thankful.

Despite the pitfalls and shortcomings, I’m still accomplishing so many things mentally. I’m writing. I’m designing. I don’t remember the last time I was THIS hungry to learn. If you guys are on twitter and want some intelligence on your TL Follow these individuals @Earth_BE @DrDia @Consciousskillz @EFLifestyle @DrGoddess. Their insight is AMAZING.

I have one question for you guys. As I was cooking one day I was thinking “I cant wait to feed my family all of this good food.” As we all know, kids love play dates and staying at each others houses. What do you do when you child wants to stay with a family that consumes an unhealthy diet? Do you still allow them to go? Do you allow your child to eat with the other family? Do you send food with them? Do you feed them before they go? HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE THIS?

The Temptations

They dont call em temptations for nothing... (yes I know this aint the real group. im biased for a reason.)

Where do I even begin?

Well 1st lemme address the gap between this post and the last. I had very unstable access to the internet due to a lack of transportation. However, I went out and purchased a USB modem from cricket on Saturday so I shouldn’t have this problem anymore. I’m gonna miss meeting all the cool people at Borders tho.

2nd point. Along with the inconsistent transportation, my schedule has also been very inconsistent. I’ve been staying with my sis and many times I do things to help her out which interferes with a lot of the things I plan to accomplish for myself. This includes morning meditation, breakfast, vitamins, etc.

I do not use these facts as Excuses. “What are excuses?” Most of my Greek fam (no I’m not affiliated) know the answer to this question. To summarize, excuses are unacceptable because they still equate to “nothingness.” These facts are obstacles that I allowed to deter me from reaching certain daily goals.

Without the responsibility of writing blog entries to hold me accountable it was a lot easier to lose focus of my goals. Again, there is another approach that could’ve been used here other than avoidance/abandonment. I also found that the blog was taking up a lot of time that should be used for personal growth. I think I may slow my entries down to maybe one or two a week instead of trying to do one every other day. They will be less detailed, removing information such as my diet. You guys pretty much know what it consists of if you read the first entry.

I have yet to do yoga. This changes THIS week. I have internet access at home now so I will be able to watch the reference videos. Exercise has also been inconsistent. Why? Imma just be honnnnnnest. I don’t like doing it. No excuse. This changes THIS…nah. This changes TODAY. I only required 15-30 minutes of activity. This can be done. Couple few crunches, even fewer pushups (read: one), dance a little bit. Viola!

In more interesting news; I dreamed about ice cream and masturbation last week too. I’ve always said that dreams are messages from your subconscious to your conscious mind. They tell us of our deepest fears, desires, and concerns. In my dream, I saw the ice cream. Just sitting on the counter. Alone. Alllll by itself. I opened it. Cookies and cream!!! YESSSSSSS!!!!!!! I grab a spoon and go.to.work. Its heavenly. After about the 4th scoop I’m like waaaaait…I’m not supposed to eat this! This became the most depressing dream EVER. Then a light bulb came on. I turned the container around it read “ALL NATURAL” YESSSSSS!!!!!! I pick my spoon back up and I don’t even remember if ever stopped eating the ice cream during the dream or not. (btw: there is nothing natural about cookies and cream ice cream, lol)

Ok the other part, without giving too many details for fear of the temptation. In the next dream, I masturbated. As it was happening I debated with myself, reminded myself about Tabula Rasa. I asked myself to stop. I wouldn’t….OMG I just realized I raped myself in my own dream. There is a sad comedy about this. It’s like I wanna laugh but I can’t. Well not on the outside anyway.

Ok but in all seriousness this is a problem. Orgasms have become part of who I am. Actually, they have always been. I remember masturbating when I was too young to even know what that meant. Anyway, as of August 1 I have not PHYSICALLY masturbated. I got close once. I promised myself that if it happened that I would be honest and disclose it in my blog. I decided I couldn’t disappoint those that actually keeping up with this. It’s getting harder though. (If I was a guy, that would’ve been a good pun. Stupid vagina…) By the time my cycle comes around…*sigh* I don’t wanna even think about it.

I also had a slight accident last week. Actually two. I drank soda AND juice after breakfast. I bought a friend a drink since he was having a bad day. Bartender asked if I wanted anything. Nah, Im not drinking tonight. “you sure? I can make you a Shirley temple” *thought: oo! That aint got no alcohol! “Yeah that’ll work.” I drank that sucka soooo quick and just when it got to the bottom… (remember the ice cream dream?) “ooooohhhhhhh nooooooo!!!! *thought: carbonation and *gasp* high fructose corn syrup* SMH. I vowed, water only for the rest of the night. Untillll…. Cast party at Hominy. Time for the toast! Jeannie (Jones) was buying drinks for all of us and she knew I was fasting. She said, “You want ginger ale or cranberry juice or some other juice for the toast?” *Thought: noooooo soda!! Ooo! Cranberry juice, that don’t have no alcohol OR soda in it* “Cranberry juice is fine” Did the toast, sipped it down quick cause it’s just juice. Wait… JUICE? My expression matched that of the roaches from the old raid commercials.

So what did I learn here. Nothing. It reinforced my thoughts from earlier in the week that Its hard to make healthy choices when they aren’t presented to you as an option. Oh wait, I did learn something. When under pressure, my brain only processes the most pertinent information while disregarding important details. Way to go brain. *sideeye*

Before I go, my brain has also decided that chocolate cake is made by fairies and blessed by angels. Those that eat it will radiate rainbows and make Leroy’s glow look like ambient lighting. Oh wait. It kinda IS ambient lighting. I still want some.

Week wrap up: ISH got REAL real quick. I didn’t expect to be having 2nd thoughts on the 3rd day. This is harder than I thought it would be. I honestly don’t know if I’m gonna make it. I mean I will but, how long before I willingly succumb to at least ONE temptation.

Intrinsic motivation will only work for so long. Can anyone offer anything extrinsic?

Anyone have a bet on what I might slip up on?

By the way I never been that great at resisting Temptations. ;-) *sigh* Prepares for another inappropriate dream. I loves me some David Ruf...I mean Eddie Kane J...I mean LEON!!

1st day of HEL...O to the new me. *sideeye*

Day one: Summary:

Ingestion:
1 Cinnamon Raisin Bagel raisins removed and replaced with grape jelly
1Scrambled Egg with Parsley
1 cup of Blueberry Tea with 2 teaspoons of sugar (I usually do like 5. This is why we are here, lol)
1 Cups of Grapes (lunch)
2 Grilled chicken Snack wraps with Honey Mustard and NO lettuce
1 bag of apple (dippers) No caramel
8 oz of Water
1 cup (almost) of Grapes. (snack)

Meditation:
I couldn’t see the flame! Just the black of the inside of my eyes. I think I’m doing something wrong. However, I tried again that night, i THINK i saw it but then I woke up hours later. The flame has not yet been confirmed.

Yoga- Didn’t happen

Exercise- Also didn’t happen

Curse Count: 8.5 ( said a dirty word in my head, lol)

Church- Yes! I attended Capital City Church in SE with Christie. It’s a non-denominational multi-ethnic church. It was definitely a new experience! Aside from the wonderful sermon about knowing your worth in the eyes of God, i learned that white people really enjoy jumping for Jesus. I mean straight up and down from the toe, lol. More on this in a few.

The day before Tabula rasa, I was emotionally confused but had a very relaxing day. I said my temporary good-byes and realized that one of them could very well be permanent. At this point in time I can honestly say I’m not ready for that. Im almost sure by the end of this process, I will recognize my own strength and be able to say good-bye to a stagnant situation. (6 months, no commitment, minor improvements after major downgrades early in the "relationship.") My current feelings for this person are far beyond what they should be and I feel it’s important to back away before I get in entirely too deep. It is very reminiscent of another non-relationship from 4 years ago that took me almost that same amount of time to break away from. What’s the point of moving on right into a similar situation. Thought-processes and behaviors like these, once identified, must be eliminated. I come from a background of physical abuse in the household. I will not walk in a similar path. (BTW, neither situation was abusive, it’s just a matter of accepting less than what I deserve)

Intrinsically, I worried about my ability to go through such a drastic change so quickly. I’m sure i will be in shock by the end of week one. However, there is also a peace that Tabula Rasa is finally here and that my growth can begin. That night I had a wonderful dinner, had a couple of drinks then went to bed. Introspection was making me less than sociable.

Day 1.

Meditation was a bust. The important thing is that i tried and I focused. Not quite sure if this is something that you have to work towards being good at or if it should just happen. The book "Why Don’t I do the things I know are good for me" (Henceforth referred to as "Why don't I"), lists the Week 5 activity as "catch yourself doing something right and pat yourself on the back for it. I tried to meditate. *pats back*

Breakfast- I think I made some pretty healthy choices. The Eggs were made with parsley. I picked that out but it flavored the eggs some. Still in debate about the bagels butttttt, It coulda been worse I suppose. No juice! Blueberry tea. It was my first time having it. It was actually pretty good and I only used 2 packs of sugar. pat back?!? shooooo *does an ole skool dance, an ole school dance, do it ole skool*

Church- I love a new experience! I love a good spiritual experience! This was unfortunately not both for me. However, the speaker was wonderful, engaging and had a great message. I think maybe the fact that it was so different, caused my senses to distract my spirituality. The church was held in a middle school. It was the same middle school my niece's graduation was held. We walked into the praise and worship session which was led by a live band with the plastic screen around the drummer and everything. There were two large projection screens with the lyrics while the band led praise with conviction. People from every background sung along. The white people jumped every few mins or so. It was like they were at a rock concert. I think that’s the equivalent to "our" runnin up and down the pews 4 times, prayerful backflip and ending with a split in the name of Jesus when we feel the spirit. You could feel the spirit in the room but it was kinda different. It was less overwhelming than what I am accustomed to. I have walked in a church and wanted to cry solely from feeling the spirit move upon entering it. The overall message: She used a $100 bill to explain her point. Once it’s printed it’s worth $100. Once it’s been crumpled, it’s worth $100. Once it’s stained, worth $100. Even if it falls on the ground into a puddle, ran over by a car, stepped on, it’s still worth $100. Everybody has extreme worth in the eyes of the Lord. No matter many mistakes we make, how stained we get, how many times we are stepped on, we still have extreme worth in the eyes of the Lord. She gave the $100 to a random church member (The Most High'll make ya JUMP, JUMP!!)

rest of the day: nap, bookstore. Where I went to pick up Facing Love addiction and found the Book SEX Detox by Ian Kerner and "Don't Be That Girl: A Guide to Finding the Confident, Rational Girl Within" by Travis Stork (both now added to the book list)

Love Addict: Someone who is dependent on enmeshed with and compulsively focused on taking care of another person. Yes. This is me. I even have a degree in this (Human SERVICES Counseling). Soon as I read this, I knew exactly where it came from. My mother is a caregiver. Always has been, always will be. At one point, she was caring for 5 elderly people by suffering through epilepsy and going through an abusive relationship. This is what I learned. You care for other people, while sacrificing your own happiness and self-care. *sigh*
Ok so basically, a love addict will subconsciously seek out a "love-avoidant" who avoids intimate intensity. The love addict gives avoidant too much time attention and importance, expects unconditional positive regard, and neglects to self-care while involved. The Love avoidant creates intensity in activities outside the relationship, avoid being "known" in the relationship to protect them from being engulfed and avoid intimate contact with their partners. These are very extreme examples. Some of it doesn’t apply. The point is that i see some of the characteristics. This behavior/mindset/approach must be acknowledged and then abolished. (a little alliteration fa yall) *pats back*

The Love ADDICT
AFTER 7- Not Enough Hours in the Night

I want to hold you in my arms
I want to look into your eyes
I want to spend the rest of
time making love with you, oooh,baby
I love so much, no time would ever be
enough to be close to you, it's
not right when the moon light fade
and the kisses end, ooh, I can't
wait to kiss you again (yeah)

The Love Avoidant
ALANIS MORRISETTE "Univited"

"Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight"

Sex Detox: Premise: the delay of sexual gratification makes us want the sex more and therefore we enjoy it more. In singles, the goal is to cool down your sexual brain chemistry ( short term: dopamine released in sexual encounters) to achieve a sense of calm and centeredness in order to focus on achieving the (long-term) committed relationships we truly desire. Day 1: How toxic is your Dating/Sex life? I scored a 53 out of 78. This is actually a good thing! "You are still hopeful and primed for positive change and emotional and sexual intimacy." Yes! Optimism FTW! Tomorrow is a journal exercise. Doesn’t look very fun. "Why Don't I" suggests that we don’t take care of ourselves because it’s not fun. *Looks down at vagina* I remember when we used to do fun things together. Now you got me all writing and ish... smh

Rather unexciting first day.