1st day of HEL...O to the new me. *sideeye*

Day one: Summary:

Ingestion:
1 Cinnamon Raisin Bagel raisins removed and replaced with grape jelly
1Scrambled Egg with Parsley
1 cup of Blueberry Tea with 2 teaspoons of sugar (I usually do like 5. This is why we are here, lol)
1 Cups of Grapes (lunch)
2 Grilled chicken Snack wraps with Honey Mustard and NO lettuce
1 bag of apple (dippers) No caramel
8 oz of Water
1 cup (almost) of Grapes. (snack)

Meditation:
I couldn’t see the flame! Just the black of the inside of my eyes. I think I’m doing something wrong. However, I tried again that night, i THINK i saw it but then I woke up hours later. The flame has not yet been confirmed.

Yoga- Didn’t happen

Exercise- Also didn’t happen

Curse Count: 8.5 ( said a dirty word in my head, lol)

Church- Yes! I attended Capital City Church in SE with Christie. It’s a non-denominational multi-ethnic church. It was definitely a new experience! Aside from the wonderful sermon about knowing your worth in the eyes of God, i learned that white people really enjoy jumping for Jesus. I mean straight up and down from the toe, lol. More on this in a few.

The day before Tabula rasa, I was emotionally confused but had a very relaxing day. I said my temporary good-byes and realized that one of them could very well be permanent. At this point in time I can honestly say I’m not ready for that. Im almost sure by the end of this process, I will recognize my own strength and be able to say good-bye to a stagnant situation. (6 months, no commitment, minor improvements after major downgrades early in the "relationship.") My current feelings for this person are far beyond what they should be and I feel it’s important to back away before I get in entirely too deep. It is very reminiscent of another non-relationship from 4 years ago that took me almost that same amount of time to break away from. What’s the point of moving on right into a similar situation. Thought-processes and behaviors like these, once identified, must be eliminated. I come from a background of physical abuse in the household. I will not walk in a similar path. (BTW, neither situation was abusive, it’s just a matter of accepting less than what I deserve)

Intrinsically, I worried about my ability to go through such a drastic change so quickly. I’m sure i will be in shock by the end of week one. However, there is also a peace that Tabula Rasa is finally here and that my growth can begin. That night I had a wonderful dinner, had a couple of drinks then went to bed. Introspection was making me less than sociable.

Day 1.

Meditation was a bust. The important thing is that i tried and I focused. Not quite sure if this is something that you have to work towards being good at or if it should just happen. The book "Why Don’t I do the things I know are good for me" (Henceforth referred to as "Why don't I"), lists the Week 5 activity as "catch yourself doing something right and pat yourself on the back for it. I tried to meditate. *pats back*

Breakfast- I think I made some pretty healthy choices. The Eggs were made with parsley. I picked that out but it flavored the eggs some. Still in debate about the bagels butttttt, It coulda been worse I suppose. No juice! Blueberry tea. It was my first time having it. It was actually pretty good and I only used 2 packs of sugar. pat back?!? shooooo *does an ole skool dance, an ole school dance, do it ole skool*

Church- I love a new experience! I love a good spiritual experience! This was unfortunately not both for me. However, the speaker was wonderful, engaging and had a great message. I think maybe the fact that it was so different, caused my senses to distract my spirituality. The church was held in a middle school. It was the same middle school my niece's graduation was held. We walked into the praise and worship session which was led by a live band with the plastic screen around the drummer and everything. There were two large projection screens with the lyrics while the band led praise with conviction. People from every background sung along. The white people jumped every few mins or so. It was like they were at a rock concert. I think that’s the equivalent to "our" runnin up and down the pews 4 times, prayerful backflip and ending with a split in the name of Jesus when we feel the spirit. You could feel the spirit in the room but it was kinda different. It was less overwhelming than what I am accustomed to. I have walked in a church and wanted to cry solely from feeling the spirit move upon entering it. The overall message: She used a $100 bill to explain her point. Once it’s printed it’s worth $100. Once it’s been crumpled, it’s worth $100. Once it’s stained, worth $100. Even if it falls on the ground into a puddle, ran over by a car, stepped on, it’s still worth $100. Everybody has extreme worth in the eyes of the Lord. No matter many mistakes we make, how stained we get, how many times we are stepped on, we still have extreme worth in the eyes of the Lord. She gave the $100 to a random church member (The Most High'll make ya JUMP, JUMP!!)

rest of the day: nap, bookstore. Where I went to pick up Facing Love addiction and found the Book SEX Detox by Ian Kerner and "Don't Be That Girl: A Guide to Finding the Confident, Rational Girl Within" by Travis Stork (both now added to the book list)

Love Addict: Someone who is dependent on enmeshed with and compulsively focused on taking care of another person. Yes. This is me. I even have a degree in this (Human SERVICES Counseling). Soon as I read this, I knew exactly where it came from. My mother is a caregiver. Always has been, always will be. At one point, she was caring for 5 elderly people by suffering through epilepsy and going through an abusive relationship. This is what I learned. You care for other people, while sacrificing your own happiness and self-care. *sigh*
Ok so basically, a love addict will subconsciously seek out a "love-avoidant" who avoids intimate intensity. The love addict gives avoidant too much time attention and importance, expects unconditional positive regard, and neglects to self-care while involved. The Love avoidant creates intensity in activities outside the relationship, avoid being "known" in the relationship to protect them from being engulfed and avoid intimate contact with their partners. These are very extreme examples. Some of it doesn’t apply. The point is that i see some of the characteristics. This behavior/mindset/approach must be acknowledged and then abolished. (a little alliteration fa yall) *pats back*

The Love ADDICT
AFTER 7- Not Enough Hours in the Night

I want to hold you in my arms
I want to look into your eyes
I want to spend the rest of
time making love with you, oooh,baby
I love so much, no time would ever be
enough to be close to you, it's
not right when the moon light fade
and the kisses end, ooh, I can't
wait to kiss you again (yeah)

The Love Avoidant
ALANIS MORRISETTE "Univited"

"Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight"

Sex Detox: Premise: the delay of sexual gratification makes us want the sex more and therefore we enjoy it more. In singles, the goal is to cool down your sexual brain chemistry ( short term: dopamine released in sexual encounters) to achieve a sense of calm and centeredness in order to focus on achieving the (long-term) committed relationships we truly desire. Day 1: How toxic is your Dating/Sex life? I scored a 53 out of 78. This is actually a good thing! "You are still hopeful and primed for positive change and emotional and sexual intimacy." Yes! Optimism FTW! Tomorrow is a journal exercise. Doesn’t look very fun. "Why Don't I" suggests that we don’t take care of ourselves because it’s not fun. *Looks down at vagina* I remember when we used to do fun things together. Now you got me all writing and ish... smh

Rather unexciting first day.